alyssia_silver

I'm debating whether or not to make this journal "Friends-only". To those of you that don't know that means that there will be no anonymous-posting anymore and that I'll have to add you to my Friends List. Journals were orginally meant to be private and as much as I like sharing what I do with my day and my life, I believe that not everyone should have access to all and any post(s) of mine.

I hope that if I do go ahead with this, you'll respect my decision.

Another depressing entry. Skip if you'd like.

I started this semester off really happy, thinking that I'd do better in the next four months and that it would all come together. I was wrong. It's not coming together. It's not going to come together. All I know is that at the moment, I'm good for a Pass Degree. That's fine, but I really wanted the Fourth year. Anyway, I've spent the last half an hour crying and I'm finally in a state of numbness. My headache isn't helping, but it's okay. I feel like there's something I'm missing in my papers and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to "get" the missing piece.

I'm thinking of talking to Professor Mills tomorrow before class to see what she thinks. I'm either going to stay for another year (maybe do three or four courses instead of five) or just take the Pass and leave. I don't know, but I really think I should talk to someone before I do something I regret. That's why I'll be seeing Professor Mills tomorrow and maybe Liz (the adviser) to see if I should continue at all.

I've had a lot of friends tell me to keep going this year (and I thank you), but I don't see any improvements. I think it's something small, but it hasn't clicked or something. I don't know. Maybe I've lost the ambition (not to teach, but for English itself). I loved English in High School and that's why I think I'd do well teaching English. I really like what I'm reading now (it's not the content (save for Spenser, but that was a unimous thing), so I'm not sure what it is.

I'm talking to Erin and she says that maybe teaching isn't for me. I don't want to think that way, because I know I can teach, but I may have to consider that option. If I have to, I have to.

Again, I apoligise for going on about this, but I'm so unsettled nowadays. Maybe I don't know what I want.

I don't think I want to go into teaching.

Here's the question of the week: Since Reading Week is coming up, when does everyone want to get together? I work on the weekends in the morning, so that's not a good time for me. I'm busy tomorrow night and the rest of the week is free (more or less). Shane sugggested going to a movie with Erin and Mike. I haven't actually mentioned the subject to them, but I may as well in this post. Do you guys want to to the movies? If so, where? Niagara or St. Kitts? What movie, what time, etc., or should we just stay in and raid Mike's moving collection? Oh, and Mike, when are your parents coming to visit?

I heard from Tanya yesterday and we have plans to get together at some point this week.

I'm still writing my essay for my American South class. It's 1500 words. I find that when I start a paper, I'm always worried about not meeting the quota, but I usually end up going past the word limit and then have to edit,

Anyway, I'm going to go back to the paper. I'm hoping to have it done by one or two at the latest.

Wish me luck!

10:17 am. 1080 words. A little over 300 to go.

I hope I'm going the assignment right...

It's almost 9 PM and I have yet to start my Shakespearean essay. What are the chances that I could write a 1500 word paper and have it finished by 3:30 tomorrow?

Wish me luck!

Almost 11 pm. 1761 words. This is hell.

I'm in the lab. It is 10:36 am. I have almost 1000 words of my Scott and Conrad essay done. I have to find a way to connect both novels and get the flow right.

Erin, Mike and Shane are in Crick's class.

Whoever gets to the lab first: Wanna go for lunch?

I'm falling asleep.

This update's been long in coming. If I've forgotten something, please tell me. I've had a bunch of papers due, so I've been putting it off, but anyway... here goes:

Thursday, I was invited to watch some movies with friends of mine. It was really nice night. My one friend kept putting on the beginnings of really trippy movies and stopping, leaving us to try to figure out what was going on. Naturally, we wanted to see the whole movie and we were told that we couldn't. It was sad, but we decided that we'd have a Movie Night (or a couple of Movie Nights) because there are so many movies that one of us had seen or the two of us hadn't; (in other words, my friend has an extensive movie collection that is just begging to be watched. It taunts me everytime I'm over there). Since our break is coming up we decided to get together at some point (I've filled out my calendar as much as I could, but days are negiotable). We watched CSI and ER. I hadn't seen ER in ages, so it was a treat for me! All in all, it was a very productive night (topped with Pasta; what could be better?)

I'm not sure who's house we're going to go to for the break, but I mentioned making nachoes and that was a big hit, so I may have to cook at whomever's (or, it could be a lot easier and everyone could come to my place). We'll figure it out.

I should mention that when I went to my friend's place, we trudged up the Escarpment (this really big hill; it was covered with ice and snow...), I thought I was going to die (I'm a total klutz), so it took both of my friends to help me up and make sure I didn't fall and break my neck). We got to one part of the hill where we were told to just slide down it, so I ended up sliding (it was a lot of fun, but really cold). I felt like a big kid (I think we all did, actually). I ended up with a wet butt (I was wearing jeans), but other than that, it was tres amusant!

I started the Crick essay. I'm hoping to finish it tonight and do the commentary on my seminar (Crick used my idea for a lecture, so he must have liked it). Then I have to write a Shakespearean essay (I'm starting to regret leaving the other Crick class) and then a Southern American Lit essay. Too many papers and not enough time!

I've just had a lovely lunch with Mike and Shane. They had a curly fry pountine and I had pizza. Shane went to look for ice cream and came back, saying that they had none. Mike made me drink pop until it hurt (three big gulps) and finshed it off for me in under a minute! While we were heading out, I found the ice cream that Shane didn't (leave it to me!), so we went in and had some. Actually, we were outside eating the ice cream. Shane took off to see Professor Crick, while Mike and I decided to climb to the 13th floor of Brock. Mike did it easily, while I felt like I was going to die.

I finished my History readings.

I've been in the lab for almost two hours now and have gotten nothing done. I promised myself that I would actually get some work done, but it doesn't seem to be happening. Despite my upsets this semester, I am feeling a lot better lately. I'm even considering to stick around, do Fourth Year and (possibly) go for a Masters. My friend seems to think I'd be able to do the Masters and be a Professor (thank you for the compliments), so I may just do that (the Masters part, I mean; I'll have to think about the Professor thing). That can go hand in hand with the bookstore and the traveling that we plan to set up and do.

Ami, I wanted to tell you that I miss you and even though we seem to be busy for each other these days, I do think of you. I wanted to tell you something, actually. My friend Rachael is deal with Fibromylgia as well and her doctor prescribed her a really bad drug. This is the warning:

"WARNING: This drug must not be used during pregnancy because birth defects and fetal and maternal death have occurred. This drug must not be used in women of childbearing age unless there are no alternatives. When this drug has been used to start labor or for abortion after the first three months of pregnancy, rupture of the uterus could occur. Discuss the risks and benefits with your doctor before using this
medication. If a woman must use this medication, four requirements must be met: 1) negative pregnancy test within 2 weeks before starting use of this medication; 2) able to use effective measures to prevent pregnancy (contraception); 3) receive oral and written warnings on the dangers of misoprostol use in women of childbearing age, and the risk of possible birth control failure; 4) must begin use of this drug only on the second or third day of the next normal menstrual period. This medication should not be shared with others."

The Drug's called "Arthrotec", so if they suggest it for pain, say no. I couldn't believe it was on the market and that they could prescribe such a thing. Isn't that too much?

I've been invited to my friend's for a movie, so my plans have changed slightly.

-Read History
-Write an essay and watch a movie
-Catch the bus at 10
-Be home for 10:30
-Go to Bed.

Ta-ta~

The last few days have made me really happy. Despite my anxiety over doing a seminar for Professor Crick, (wherein he stated: "I'll start from your point tomorrow and show you how you were bang on"), I've been completely relaxed. It's a nice change once in a while.

A friend and I have decided to meet once a week to go for lunch. We've gone to Java Joe's (a coffee place), MacDonalds and a Chinese food place (I'm not sure of the name). Today we went to "The Farmer's Market" and had beautiful sandwiches. They were fresh and homemade and - I should stop before I either ramble on or begin to drool - they were really good sandwiches. We finished it off with pastries (I'm really liking this 'dessert is a must' idea). They were awesome. We keep saying that all the foods we've had together are awesome, but there's no other word to describe them really (How's that for doing injustice to the language/subject?). It's all so good!

I had a visitor the other night. Thanks again for coming by. You're always welcome! It was a good night. We watched Shrek and had Chinese Food. We had plenty of food left over, so when my cousin came over (she was originally supposed to come earlier) there was enough food for her, my other cousin and my uncle. It was a wonderful night, overall. I really enjoyed the relaxing atmosphere. I stress out a lot, so nights like that one are good for me.

I love hearing friends tell me that they are close to their families. It means a lot to me because I was raised in a 'close family' situation. I think it's also very nice to know that when the going gets tough, there are people there to help through the hard times and will love you no matter what happens.

Take Care!

I'm freaking out about my presentation tomorrow.
Help!

How do you not abuse Austen's language? I'm trying not to, I really am.

I've come to the realization that I'm going back into a depression. I was like this all last semester and resolved to get out of it (and was for a while there) but it's come back full force. I almost cried yesterday (this is probably all hormonal, but I'm going on about it anyway) and feel like doing so today. I found out that Professor Crick changed the seminar presentations so I am presenting next week. That's good because it'll be done, but at the same time, that means I have to read Mansfield Park tonight and think of a good question (I'm starting to believe that all I do is ask stupid questions, it's either that, or Crick likes proving students wrong and making them feel like total idiots) and present it to the man. I'm really intimidated (I really don't think I can handle him telling me I'm wrong; I get that enough from the establishment. Ever since I started Brock, I think my IQ has dropped considerably) and don't want to go. Sadly, Erin told me that I have to (and she's right), so I really have no choice in the matter. Mike tried to cheer me up today (thanks!) but my moods seem to be going from one extreme to the other. It's horrible.

Shane believes that I'll do fine on the presentation. I appreciate his encouragement, although I'm not sure why he's so certain of the fact. I'm starting to wonder if I should just get a Pass Degree and get the hell out of school. I can't seem to please anyone and these bouts of depression are not helping in the slightest.

I'm going to read Austen, cry, read some more and cry again.

Good night.

I have just been informed that I was insulted today by none other than Professor Crick. I knew this day would come. Anyway, the conversation went like this:

Mike: Crick was bitching about you today
Me: What did he say?
Mike: He told the class that someone actually had the nerve to go to his office and ask him if we were doing Austin before or after Reading Week. Then he pointed and Erin and me and said "And she is YOUR friend!"
Me: Did he say anything else?
Mike: No that was it. He told us to talk to you and make sure you asked us things before you asked him.

...that's so insulting! I'm not even sure how to react. I think I might cry. The more I talk about this, the more I want to cry. It's not going well.

Anyway, Mike told me not to worry about it and tried to console me as much as he could. Mike is a smart guy so I think I'll take his advice and not take it personally.

The fact that I have to go see the man tomorrow to talk about said seminar is freaking me out. I don't want to go, but I'll have to. Maybe if I spend all night thinking of a GOOD QUESTION (because all I seem to do is ask STUPID ones, maybe I can get by this and it'll be okay (it better be okay, or it's not going to be okay).

At the moment, I'm trying to save my dignity and not cry.

Well, I've been reading my History book for three hours and see no end in sight. Why are chapters so long? There's so much on Pre-Confederation that it's driving me bonkers. The good news is that after this, I'm basically caught up. I'll have to start Maya Angelou's I know When The Caged Bird Sings and then work on my History outline. Basically, I'm in for a long night. Will the madness or reading ever end?

Sadly, I've come to the conclusion that there's more reading in History classes than English ones.

My apologies to the TA crew, I've really busy with school and to be honest, I've been out of ideas. It's horrible. I know.

I have Fridays off and it seems like they're doing me more harm than good. I keep thinking that I have the extra day so I slack off. I was supposed to be working today but they called me off. Thank God! There's a huge snow storm outside. I left the house for an hour and a half and by the time I got in, I was completely frozen and couldn't see anything from any window of the car. I hate snow, so this was a really bad experience for me. I think mom has the right idea when she says that we're moving somewhere hot.

Mike asked me if I wanted to go see White Noise with him, so that's my plan for the weekend. I promised Friday to my cousin Danielle (I'm not sure what we're going to go see. If it's the movie, I'm sure we could probably meet him up there, weather permitting). If that doesn't work out, there's always Saturday. We're figure something out.

I have a really busy day today. I'm planning on reading more of Conrad's Under Western Eyes. I'm almost at part 2 and really like it so far. It's a lot better than the Bride of Lammermoor. I'm considering doing my essay on both novels. We'll see how it goes. I also have to read two plays, work on an outline for History, do the readings for both of my History classes and read for American Lit. That sounds like a pretty full day to me. I'm hoping I'll be able to get the majority of it done.

The semester seems to be better which is a relief. Last semester was just wrong. Anyway I'm starting to lose all coherence, so methinks I'm going to read.

Alright - the Hardy and Hopkins problem has been resolved. I've decided to drop Later Victorian Lit to take the Shakespeare course I was interested in this past December. This means, that Mike, Erin and my lunches after Crick will have to commence on Tuesdays instead of Wednesdays, if you two are still interested. Shane, you're most welcome to come with us, too, y'know. Feel free. We'll have to do lunch together when we get a chance.

If anyone needs books for 3P31, just ask. I have them and it's not as though they'll be going to somewhere productive (like class), so they're there if needed.

I found out that I missed a play and a half in the Shakespeare course I just registered in. That means a lot of reading for me. The good thing is that I'll get all my A List Credits out of the way. That was the original plan.

I have to re-docorate my room. Any suggestions?

I feel better.

I'm so tired! Today was a complete write-off. I spent the day reading The Bride of Lammermoor (the ending's not bad, actually) and re-copying some notes. Aside from that, I've been dealing with a really bad stomach ache (I think it might be a flu or some sorts) and a headache. I feel completely drained and am starting to feel a bit dizzy. I ate earlier, so it can't be that, but it's a feeling I'd rather not have.

In other news, Jenn might be moving to Toronto and that saddens me. I'm the only one (save Margaret) who's still in the Falls, doing the same old thing. I really need to get away, and honestly want to go camping or on a road trip with friends of mine. I need a vacation (and my head to stop pounding).

My plans for tomorrow include writing that question thing for Crick (I'm still confused on what he wants), starting the essay (Is it due Thursday or Friday?) and sleeping in between.

I really need my bed...

It seems as though my last entry offended Erin. I was completely jesting and was not serious at all, and she seemed to think otherwise. This resulted in a phone call in which she was very upset and I had to explain myself.

I apoligise for any offense caused. I didn't mean to upset anyone and I feel that I didn't write anything that would upset anyone. Usually when I use the term "lackey," I don't mean it in a negative way; I mean, partner in crime (jokingly). If I had known she would have gotten that upset, I would not have written anything. At this point, I feel bad for even writing the entry and (I can't believe I'm saying this) am probably going to start crying at any second now. I don't like confrontations of any sort, and am deeply sorry for any remarks that may have been taken out of context.

The truth is, I think it's sweet that Erin and Mike tease me. Usually my closest friends will tease and if I haven't gotten angry, then in my opinion, we must be better friends than just friends (if that makes sense). The point is, I do care about Erin and Mike a lot, despite the fact that Erin and I seem to disagree about certain things. I'd even consider them best friends and would like to see them more often. You two cheer me up and make me believe that we'll get through school and all become doctors (or, at least, all have white lab-coats like Mike).

Again, a heartfelt apology to anything that was taken as hurtful. It certainly was not intended.

Regards,
Patti